Kanye is perplexed by the commercial playing on the E! Network. Slowly, he puts down his spoon filled with his favorite cereal. “Huh? Y’all eat Pieces of Shit?” He was utterly convinced that no one else enjoyed the chocolate cereal as much as he did. Now he’d have to find a new breakfast cereal to eat in the morning.
Several faint, robotic and distorted chuckles could be heard in the distance. “J.A.Y. is activating again. Get back inside the tent, Kim.” Kanye pulled his pistol out it’s holster and marched out of the campsite. As he unlocked the barricade for the last time, Pusha grabbed his shoulder.
"I wanna come with you." Kanye looked Pusha real serious-like and shook his head. "Nah man. This is my battle. I started this." He put on his glasses and walked of the wooden door that’s been through so much these past few weeks. "Lock it as soon as possible, okay? Don’t follow me." Pusha’s eyes began to tear up.
Kanye woke up with a start in the middle of the night, breathing heavily and shaking profusely. With a trembling hand, he pulled himself out of the bedsheets and towards the mirror, fumbled with the lamp switch and turned on the light. He wiped the sweat off his face, took three deep breaths, and opened his eyes to look in the glass.
"Ahh," he sighed in relief and put a hand on his heart, smiling.
"Kanye, when’s your birthday?" Kim asks suddenly, panicking Kanye. He struggles to come up with something before blurting out, "June 8th." Truth is that Kanye doesn’t even remember. He just knows that June 8th is the day he came into being but he wasn’t born, he remembers that much.
kanye, feeling rather glum as he sulks around in his mansion, takes a moment to pause. he looks at his yeezys, inhaling deeply as he admires the pure beauty of the shoe. he then tilts his chin upwards and his breath hitches - he is shocked at the sight before him. “that is the most stunning thing i have ever seen,” he says, eyes glazing over with admiration. he stares at his own reflection in the mirror and says, “yeah, i still got swag fuk da haterz.” then he walks out, shoveling a wad of 100 dollar bills into his pocket.
Kanye wakes up, gets dressed, and notices the most beautiful thing he’s ever seen in his life. He says, “so beautiful”. Kim quickly looks at Kanye and says “thanks baby” Kanye says, actually i was talking about myself, but you look aiight.
“I’ve never felt this way about anyone before. You make me feel alive. I can’t even describe all the ways you make me happy.” Kanye says and strokes his self-autographed and framed picture of himself. “Oh sweetheart! You don’t know how happy this makes me.” Kim gushes from behind him. Kanye turns around and stares at her, trying to comprehend how she got off her leash in the backyard and why she would think he was referring to her.
“You fine as fuck. I wish my girlfriend looked like you.” Kanye says to the poster of himself hanging on his bedroom wall. Kim sobs against the other side of the door and hugs her autographed copy of My Beautiful Dark Twisted Fantasy to her chest.
Kanye West knows that Taylor is a nice girl and he knows that people like her. He always knows something else. He knows that there is a time that is fast approaching when everyone will begin to hate this poor girl. He knows that there is only one way to protect her from that pain, and he knows that Kanye is the only one brave enough to do it. So he watches her and keeps a close eye on her and plots, trying to find the right time to strike. Then the VMAs approach and right as Taylor’s name is called, Kanye knows what he must do. He approaches the stage and rips the microphone from her grasp and says, “Yo. Yo, Taylor. I’m really happy for you. And imma let you finish, but Beyonce had one of the best videos of all time.” Taylor stares in silence, unsure of what to do, but Kanye shrugs in silence and goes back to his seat, knowing he just prolonged her career about two years. So he’ll take the hate and names, because he did what was right and necessary. He is….
Kanye stands a few feet away from a roaring inferno, panting, out of breath. The Kardashian Mansion is consumed by towering flames. A camera truck is crushed and flipped over in the driveway. His left hand is wet with someone else’s blood. His knuckles are bruised and raw. His Luis Vuiton zippo lighter playfully flickering in his right hand. A Range Rover pulls up next to Kanye. Kim gets out, scared and frantic.
"Kanye, it’s over 100 degrees outside. You might want to change into shorts." Kim says.
Kanye ignores her and walks outside to check the weather for himself. The sun blazes down on him with its harsh rays. “Wow.” he whispers, “What a cruel summer.”
“Would you like some more wine?” Kanye asks.
“Of course.” is the reply.
“We have to do this more often.” he whispers and lifts a spoonful of ice cream to his lover’s lips.
Kim watches from the doorway and wonders where on earth Kanye got a cardboard cutout of himself.
It’s 12pm, the sun still hasn’t risen and coincidentally Kanye isn’t awake either. Kanye eventually does rise a few hours later and so does the sun. Today is the day that the world realized that everything revolves around Kanye.
Kanye was feeling nostalgic and listening to ‘Late Registration’ when he heard the loud and annoying clomp clomp of Kim’s lace up high heeled knock off timbalands that she thought were ghetto fabulous when actually they were ghetto horrible.
Kanye turned, irritably, and put down the headphones as the clear sounds of ‘Gold Digger’ thumped out, because no headphones could contain such quality phonics. He looked Kim up and down and said ‘I’ve been listening to my old albums, I can now add being psychic to my genius’.
Kanye put the headphones back on as Kim was left reeling as if the truth had slapped her in the face.
"I miss you." Kanye whispers under his breath. Kim hears him and runs up to kiss him on his cheek. Kanye doesn’t acknowledge her as he stares over her shoulder at the poster of himself plastered on the wall.
"I can’t take this anymore! I’m tired of you cheating on me!" Kim yells. A few minutes pass in silence as Kanye stares at Kim. Finally he clears his throat before saying, "I can’t cheat on you if I never loved you in the first place." as his eyes flicker to the mirror behind Kim.